The Perfect Final Fantasy
by Mircantil
Summary: What oh what will Square do when they finally run out of ideas for Final Fantasies?
1. And So It Begins

The Perfect Final Fantasy

(Visiting your local software shop, you go straight to the bargain rack. You look at the box art. It features a young male hero brandishing a sword at you amongst the Final Fantasy logo and bears the words "Final Fantasy XXIV." You wonder if they'll ever give up, but at that point your attention is distracted by a new Megaman game. So I'll take the liberty of starting the story anyway.)

Once upon a time in a dimension far, far removed from you . . . aka your PS____ (whatever number Sony gets to by the time this number of FF's is reached- they've got a nice average of three per system going)

Rain: Ahhhh. . . another day in my ordinary, ordinary life. *leaves his house*

Rain: Hello, perfect world! Hello, grass so green! Hello, blinding sun! Hello. . . er, I'll address whatever you are when I get my vision back. . . there we go. Hello, ancient evil come to ravage my town! *whistles and walks cheerfully down the street, ignoring the calls for help and the general sounds of destruction and mayhem behind him*

Gale: *walks out of a random shop on the street* Why, hello, generally-weather-themed-named Main Character!

Rain: And hello to you, Love Interest 1, my childhood friend! And also, because of our friends at the ESRB who deem things appropriate for children, a girl!

Gale: *shouting to be heard over the sounds of destruction in the background* Does something seem off to you today about our perfect, idyllic village, which is totally safe because we're so insignificant as to be totally ignored by the Evil Empire and put up no defenses whatsoever?

Rain: *also shouting* Why, yes! I seem to be talking a lot louder today!

The Ancient Evil: For Holy's Sake! *crumbles a building in between the two characters* ARE YOU GOING TO FIGHT ME OR WHAT? LOOK! I'M DESTROYING YOUR TOWN! I'VE REVIVED FOR THE  FIRST TIME IN 1000 YEARS! For the love of spoon, somebody notice me! NOTICE ME!

Rain: Oh. Okay, I'll fight. *pulls a metal pipe out of the building wreckage in front of him put there by the Ancient Evil*

The Ancient Evil: Er. . . y'know what, on second thought, I don't think I want to fight.  Yeah. In fact, I'm pretty sure my ancient evil spells and the fact that I'm at least 1000 times taller than you are no match for that piece of rusted metal. So I'll just possess your girlfriend and make her attack you.

Rain: Girlfriend? I take exception to that!

TAE: Well, that's what she is, isn't she?

Rain: No! She's my _love interest_. Not my girlfriend.

TAE: Have you heroes been inbreeding since Final Fantasy 1 or something? *snickers*  Anyway, I've got a date for afternoon tea with the emperor of the Evil Empire. So I'll just knock you unconscious now so you can be a threat to me later, all right? Possession would mean cut scenes- you know, animation- and I think we've already overextended our budget with all this text. A battle would also mean animation, not to mention a battle engine.

Rain: Sure, that sounds- *gets whapped unconscious by TAE*

[The screen blurs, and unless you're drunk, this can only signal one thing. . . a flashback!]

Rain's Father: So, honey, what do you want to name our child?

Rain's Mother: I've always wanted a weather-themed name. You know- something cool like Cloud, or Squall, or Lightning.  

Rain's Father: *sarcastically* Oh, yes, that'll work! Name our kid something he'll be teased for for the rest of his life! Can't you just imagine our son, the 40-year-old businessman, sitting at his desk in the office, and the business card reads "Son of Rain's Father, _____." Whatever goes in the blank. A client will walk in and ask to speak to ____, and the receptionist will say, "I'm sorry, but we don't make a habit of keeping the forces of nature inside our building." Our son will be run out of business! Or what if he becomes a weather forecaster! That'll be horrible for him! "And now, we have _____ with the weather report." "Well, from what I can see, we're going to have ____ in the area of our town, but since it's always ____ing anyway there because of the lack of any real animations, my job is pointless. Thank you, I'm going to go kill myself now."

Rain's Mother: Rain's Father, that's a horrible way to talk about our as-yet-unnamed son! From the way you talk, it makes it look like we're trying to censor our entire game with those blanks! How do you know he'll have intense psychological problems later in life? 

Rain's Father: Ahhh, shut up, Rain's Mother! You know I'm only saying that because I had that dream in which he has the long and mysterious past from which he wakes up with no memory of what happened in his past except this one, for some reason. . . can he remember things from when he wasn't alive yet?

Rain's Mother: Wait. Why are you sure our child is going to be a boy?

Rain's Father: Well, that's because--- *disk skips in the PS___*--- and when I woke up, I discovered that TAE was defeated and---- *disk skips again as the PS___ tries to read the disk* 

Random Square Writer: [from where he/she/robot is sitting at his/her/robot computer in some other dimension. . . personally, I'm leaning towards the "robot" theory]: Heh, I'm a genius. Making fun of Sony AND delaying plot! Pure originality. *watch beeps* Ooh, time to go back to work on Final Fantasy X-5's story. [and back to our "main" story. . .]

[The PS____, now with an AI at least two times the AI of the current PS2- of course, two times zero is still nothing- decides to be smart and just fast-forward to the next non-cut-scene-part with Rain in it.]

Rain: *wakes up on a platform surrounded by water* Huh. Deja vu. Is Square running out of ideas for locations for the main hero to wake up with after being struck in the head? *starts swimming off the platform*

Rain: Helloooooooo? *sees that he is surrounded by rubble and water as far as the eye can see* Something tells me I'm not in my village any more.

Rain: Wait! There's something I was supposed to do. . . hmm. . . if only I could remember it. . . oh, wait! I'm supposed to have amnesia now! That was it!

Rain: Let me try this scene again.

Rain: *wakes up on a platform surrounded by water* This seem somehow familiar. Where am I. . .? I remember my name, but that's it. . . I don't see any monsters in the water, or an ocean floor for the water, so I think I'll go explore a bit. *starts swimming off the platform*

_End of Part 1_

-And on that ominous note, we leave our hero. . . treading water, as a matter of fact. 

Rain: Hey! I can't tread water for two months or whenever it is you decide to update this fanfic again! Why do my parents have a bigger role than me in this chapter?

-Because they were killed when TAE destroyed your village, which is what sends you on a murderous rampage throughout the world to destroy TAE.

Rain: Huh. . . that does make sense. . . wait, my village was destroyed?! *pause* Well, had to get it out of the way, I suppose. Was all that the opening scenes? That was quick!

- Exactly. Well, readers, R/R. Or just R, at this time. 

Rain: Wait! That thing you said. . . uh. . .the thing you said before the last thing you said. . . it doesn't make sense!

- See you in two months, Rain.

Rain: Agghhh! I'll drown by then! *treads water*


	2. The Heartless

Chapter 2 of The Perfect Final Fantasy: The Heartless

[In the Random Square Writer's Office]

Random Square Boss: All right, Square writer. We've got to have a talk.

Random Square Writer: No! I just got to the hilarious scene where Rain finds out that he's been transported 1000 years into the future by a mysterious entity known as. . . Sin.

RSB: Yes, that's the problem. You aren't coming up with any new ideas.

RSW: But. . .but. . .I worked on Final Fantasy X! No one seemed to understand the entire story, though, like the moogles I wrote in. Everyone was asking "where were the moogles?" Stupid Americans, couldn't understand a simple plot if their. . . ah. . .their oversized console

controllers depended on it!

RSB: Sorry, but it's part of my contract to act like you're criminally insane whenever you're talking to me. Don't worry, though, it's not too much of a stretch. Now, then, we're going to fire you very quietly, because we don't want the public to know how far ahead we're working on these "Final Fantasy" games. In fact, we sent personal representatives in our time machine- but don't tell anyone about that either, or they'll look for the subtle mind-altering messages we went back and put in Final Fantasy 7 to make everyone like it- to disrupt Aztec prophecies until we're done making Final Fantasy games. So, basically, we'll never be done. 

RSW: Wait. Isn't time travel theoretically impossible? Are you on drugs or something? *starts laughing* Like that scene in Final Fantasy X where Auron said to Tidus-

 RSB: No, they cut the drug scene out and put in some dialogue about time-travelling and zombies called "unsents". You can see how they wanted to make it more realistic. 

RSW: So . . . so. . . no one understood Final Fantasy X at all? No one understood my witty references to other FF games?

RSB: And by "witty references", of course, you mean "ripped-off lines from other FFs." And time travelling is not theoretically impossible, but of course that depends on your conceptions of time and. . .

RSW: *smugly* I think the "ripped-off lines from other FFs" was implied. 

RSB: At any rate, you have until . . . five minutes ago to clean out your desk and get out. 

RSW: Hah! You can't fire me! I quit!

RSB: Suit yourself, since you're not employed any more and can't quit a job you're not employed at.

RSW: I'll have to find another company that'll let me in! A company that will appreciate the inventive battle system I made up for Unlimited Saga! A company that will not censor my ideas!

RSB: You made up the battle system for Unlimited Saga?

RSW: After seeing my rough draft of the script for Final Fantasy X, another of the Random Square Bosses sent me to the battle system division for some reason.

RSB: You're lucky that rabid fans aren't pounding down the door right now. 

RSW: Hey! I'll have you know that I had the most ingenuity of anyone at that division meeting!

- Flashback - 

[In the main office of Square's meeting room]

Battle Team Member 1: So, uh . . . I heard fans have been getting a little discontent with the battle system that is  currently in Final Fantasy.

BTM 2: Oh! Oh! I know! Here's what we can do: We'll put a system in where the monsters and the heroes take turns attacking!

*the other BTMs nod their heads, murmuring affirmatively*

RSW: That's what we've been using since Final Fantasy 4!

BTM 2: No, but this will be different. This time we'll . . . uh . . . I don't know, put radioactive crystals in the game or something, and when the heroes interact with them they'll gain new magic powers.

RSW: You mean like Final Fantasy 7.

BTM 2: Nononononono! I mean that this time the main hero will be some kind of dark, angsty loner with either amnesia or a mysterious past, we haven't thrown our darts to decide that yet. And when he interacts with these crystals, he finds he gains strange new powers.

RSW: And that's your plot?

BTM 3: Hey, it carried us through Final Fantasy 1-5. We'll just bill it as a return to the roots or something. Err . . . we haven't done that yet, right?

BTM 1: Stop it! Stop arguing! Why does everyone have to do this when I'm chairing the meetings? *breaks down and cries*

I'm trying my beessttttt!

BTM 3: *suddenly grows octopus tentacles* STOP CRYING! We'll just put in another ATB system! Will that make you happy?

*a flowerpot sprouts on BTM 2's head*

RSW: Cool! My hands are transparent in this flashback! Hey, what if we just did something so totally random that none of the players would be able to distinguish between if the battle system was actually thought out or not? Like make random values for each hit? And make hits do random damage to the heroes?

BTM 3: *in deep, Darth Vader-esque voice* That's a good idea. *breathes heavily*

*it starts raining Final Fantasy XI displays for no apparent reason in the meeting room*

RSW: So, I'll go run this idea over to the programmers and-

- End Flashback-

[Snap back to the RSW's office]

RSW: Why did my flashback end so suddenly?

* He sees a sign hanging around his neck reading "Please insert 100 Yen to advance plot and continue flashback."*

RSW: Oh, well . . . it's probably just as well. I might have been confusing that flashback with the time I tried to snort Pixie Sticks and fell asleep watching Star Wars. Wait. . . insert 100 Yen where, exactly? *shakes it off* I'll continue working on the script anyway! And send it in! And get arrested by the police for harassment! Yes! That's what I'll do!

RSB: You're still here? We're already interviewing a new writer.

RSW: . . . . . . . . . . . . . *sadly jumps out the window of his office to exit the building*

[Aerith Enters into the Random Square Writer's Office]

RSB: Well, these are some impressive credentials you have, Ms. . . . 

Aerith: *wearing sunglasses, a trenchcoat, and speaking an octave lower than normal) Gains . . . burrow.

RSB: Gainsborough. Got it.

Aerith: No! Not Gainsborough! Gainsburro!

RSB: You're a donkey? What?

Aerith: *restraining herself from casting Holy* Ah . ..that is, sir, my name is Aeri. .th Gainsburrow.

RSB: Got it. So you say you've worked on the Final Fantasy VII team. Why did you end up quitting? From what these recommendations say, I can't see why you'd have to leave a job like that.

Aerith: There were . . . problems. . . with the boss of the team. 

RSB: So you quit?

Aerith: He kept trying to kill me. With a sword. Really, I don't know where he kept it! We only get cubicles that are, what, 3 square meters! A six foot . . . errr. . .two meter. . . long sword!

RSB: Ohhhh. He made advances on you that you didn't like. Don't worry, miss, I'm sure he's long out of this company by now. At any rate, we'd like to see a sample script of yours for this upcoming game. 

Aerith: But . . . I didn't prepare anything like that.

RSB: Well, that's what a typewriter is for, isn't it? 

Aerith: You don't own computers? 

RSB: You should know that, having worked on the Final Fantasy 7 team and all. We like that retro feel of low wages you only get from cheap typewriters.

Aerith: Actually, I wasn't the writer on the FF7 team. I was the . . . er. . . *thinking silently* Character designer? Costume designer? Savior of the Planet? *aloud* Savior of the Planet on the FF7 team. 

RSB: So you _were_ the writer. Very well, Ms. Gainsborough, this way.

Aerith: Burrow! Burrow! Or Burro, but I'd prefer Burrow.

RSB: I can still see you're living with the shock from that indecent man who was your boss on the FF7 team. Don't worry, Ms. Gainsborough, it's all right now . . .

- Aerith's Script For Final Fantasy XXIV-

Once upon a time there was a boy named Rain who was looked down upon by everyone in his  village. He wanted to be friends with everyone so badly, but for some reason no one liked him. Perhaps it was his homicidal tendencies, or the fact that he had a habit of rocking back and forth in his room clutching a doll of his favorite musician, hide, and muttering to himself "The pink spiders are coming, the pink spiders are coming." He really liked a girl in his town, but she didn't like him, for no apparent reason. She also hated spiders, on an unrelated topic.

So Rain went to the big bad Dungeon Template #72 fortress to seek help from the Wizard of Christmas Past to help shower the girl he liked, Gale, with gifts. He figured that he could give her empty boxes as long as he told her something frivolous was in the box, like love or happiness or something.

But getting all those flimsy cardboard boxes came at a price. Rain had to agree to let his descendants be haunted by The Ancient Evil, or TAE as The Ancient Evil was fashionably called. (Personally, Rain had always thought that TAE should be lengthened to TAGNE, for The Ancient Gender-Neutral Evil, but that was just him.) However, TAE would only resurrect every 1000 years. Rain figured he could do something to help this situation for his offspring. He sat and thought for a few hours once he had been ushered out of the Dungeon Template #72 fortress, carrying his empty boxes. He sat, and he sat, and he sat some more (he was getting really uncomfortable by that time). Finally, he came to a single, overriding conclusion: it would really suck to be one of his descendants who happened to be around at the thousand-year mark, because he lived in a world where all prophecies came true, for no apparent reason. (Wonder what the would-be tabloid producers do for a living?)

Figuring he should make a dramatic entrance into Gale's house, Rain dropped onto the roof of Gale's house (read that fragment without capitals and it's still funny!) and sawed a hole in her roof with the buzzsaw he kept with him at all times (another one of his charming quirks),  accidentally knocking over the unusually wide chimney leading into her house in the process. He dropped the boxes into the hole and jumped in himself. As no one was home, he waited another 9 hours until the cat let itself in, somehow figuring out how to open the door. After a few more hours, Gale returned home to see Rain sprawled on a pile of what appeared to be collapsible cardboard boxes, Rain having not moved in the past 11-odd hours with a broken leg.

"Boxes! I love cardboard boxes!" she squealed and jumped onto the boxes, and thereby onto Rain, causing great pain to his leg. Rain took this as a sign of her love for him. "Gale. . . " he started, uncertainly. She paused in her dismantling of the cardboard boxes.

"Rain. . ." she replied, staring intently into his eyes.

"Gale. . ."

"Rain. . ."

They then held an impromptu contest to see who could repeat each other's name the longest, then Rain revealed he could summon cherry blossom petals from the insides of the house and won when a petal floated into Gale's eye, temporarily blinding her and distracting her from the contest.

Anyway, after some boring stuff in which Rain went out and saved the world with his cast of unlikely heroes, including the token minority character, he finally got back to his village and married Gale or something.

-End Aerith's Script-

RSB: Excuse me, but where was the dialogue? And the script? That was paragraph form!

Aerith: There was dialogue! What about the "Boxes!" line? It was a true love story! 

RSB: Well. . . I have to say, you're the most promising applicant we've seen so far in terms of storyline, but it just isn't edgy enough for what we want.

Aerith: Oh! You horrible people, looking down on true love like that! Well, you want edgy? *snatches her script from the RSB's hands- who she had given the script to* I'll write some more!

-Continuation of Aerith's Script-

A thousand years passed in relative peace, until one of Rain's descendants dug up a journal entry from 1000 years ago from Rain's diary and found out he was due to be slain by TAE several minutes ago. He waited impatiently, wondering why ancient evil could never be prompt. 

Finally, as he was about to go out and demand a refund on the prophecy as written down by Rain as he could remember it at the time (Rain had been hungry, apparently- there were lots of chocobos doodled on the page), a mysterious man in a trenchcoat flew down from the sky and stabbed Rain's descendant in the back, ending that stupid prophecy once and for all. Well, unless the mysterious man was TAE.  But that was pretty unlikely.

- End Continuation of Aerith's Script-

Aerith: It ended in tragedy! *sob* Cloouddddd!!

RSB: Right, miss, we'll keep you on our "callback" list. Now get out, please. 

Aerith: I'm sorry, Cloud! Sorryyyy! I tried my best, but the Planet was still partially destroyed by Meteor. . . *sobs more*

RSB: Right. There's an exit over there, miss. *points to the window that the RSW jumped out of*

Aerith: *tearfully picking herself up and walking over to the window* Cloouddddd! *she jumps out*

RSB: I'm actually not sure whether that's the best way to interview applicants or not, by letting them jump out the window at the end of the interview.

----End Chapter 2----

Rain: I wasn't in this chapter?!

- Sure you were. You were a loser who was a fan of JRock. Then your descendant got stabbed in the back by some ancient evil.

Rain: But you left that other storyline unresolved?!

- Well, do we all really want to hear another "parody" of FFX?

Rain: I wanted to! This universe's me is still treading water!

- Yeah, about that. . . don't expect to be fished out until a few chapters later.

Rain: I wanted to hear the parody resolved!

- If you're not quiet, the next mention of FFX will be in the context of "FFX: Live and Uncut." Starring you.

Rain: Eep.

A/N: All the references to "borough" in Aerith's last name (Gainsborough/Gainsburrow/Gainsburro- the last syllable of which is pronounced the exact same way anyway) is a parody on the comic Sluggy Freelance, which featured a storyline somewhat involved with those three interchangable words. The title, obviously, is a reference to Kingdom Hearts- "The Heartless" in this case references the RSB, who didn't like Aerith's script. (Come on. You have a weak spot for shoujo manga/anime. I know you do. Why else do boys like Fruits Basket?)

Also, I've found out an interesting thing: Putting "General" on your story's genre is almost like saying "Please don't review my story." So from here on no more "General" in my story genres. Review, please! Or I'll leave you treading water somewhere in some other alternate universe too! 

Rain: She'll do it! She's crazy!


End file.
